Addicted

imgresI don’t think it is news that I have an addictions background and not in the way that I am trained in addictions and counsel people but in the way that I am an addict and live with addictive traits.  Now you may have this image of me sitting in a gutter, begging for change but the truth is addiction comes in all walks of life.  I still went to work everyday and paid my rent but behind the scenes my life was quickly unravelling and I was desperately unhappy.  I knew if I continued on that path, I would likely lose my job and potentially end up on the streets begging for change.  I kept thinking:  “what happened to the life I dreamed of”?  In the year 2000 I became one of AA’s – 1,867,212 members and I am happy to say I became one of the small statistics who was able to recover.

However, addictive behaviour is always underlying and is something I must learn to  manage otherwise it continues to show up.

Without diligence, the addict in me still rears its ugly head in other ways that still need managing, sometimes I am really good at this and sometimes I am not:  food, work, shopping and exercise are among my addictive outsourcing.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve not been feeling myself, I’ve been a bit negative, lacking energy and focused on being fat which is the opposite of what I normally feel; empowered, body positive and energized by life.  So it’s lead me to ponder, what’s different?

The two things that come to mind:  1)  Over the past few weeks I haven’t been exercising as much as I normally would. 2) Managing my business and my Son being home from school for the summer have been difficult to manage and I am finding myself feeling overwhelmed at times.

I realized that I actually use exercise to manage my state of mind and my work gives me purpose and fulfilment and when they are compromised I feel less happy.  Of course I love my Son like crazy and he is my number one priority but when I am trying to fill his needs on a full time basis and my needs at the same time it turns into a bit of a gong show.   The bottom line is when I am trying to please everyone, I feel like I am failing everyone.  And life once again, has that familiar feeling of unmanageability.  The addict in me use to thrive on chaos but now it just burns me out and doesn’t feel good.

According to my neurological make up, this will always be a balancing act.  And because this platform is dedicated to living limitless lives and ultimately tapping into our full potential, that’s really hard to do when life is crazy and overwhelming.  This too shall pass, I know the summer is inching towards “back to school” and our lives will become more balanced.

But tell me, what keeps your life manageable?

 

 

 

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1 Comment

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louise green
Rachelreply
August 13, 2014 at 6:47 am

My goodness, did I just write this? Every time I discover another part of your personality it makes me realize how very similar we are! I don’t have the answer to your final question but all I can say is that striving for balance is the thing that I aim for. I’ll let you know the code if I ever find it.

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